Haynes manuals explained...

unstable load

Well-Known Member
#1
HAYNES MANUAL - THE REAL MEANINGS

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molegrips (adjustable wrench) then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Remove small retaining clip.
Translation: Take off 15 years of stubborn crud, it's there somewhere.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scarey photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Locate ...
Translation: This photo of a hex nut is the only clue we're giving you.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (catering size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, ikkle number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.
Translation: But Novas are easy to maintain right... right? So you think three Nova spanners has got to be like a 'regular car' two spanner job.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Locate securing bolt.
Translation: Remember that worrying noise when you drove along the A38 last summer? That's where you'll find the securing bolt.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Remove drum retaining pin.
Translation: Break every screwdriver in your box.

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Translation #3: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable wrench then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book bar the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain wrench or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid (dish soap). Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model. The actual location of the unit is never given.

Haynes: Drain off all fluids before removing cap.
Translation: Visit bathroom, spit on ground, remove baseball cap in order to scratch head in perplexity.

Haynes: Top up fluids.
Translation: Drink 2 cans of beer and call out a mobile mechanic to undo the damage.

THE CONDENSED HAYNES MANUAL
All makes and models post-2000
For a modern car chock full of electronics, all that's in the Haynes Manual is:

Routine Service: Take it to a main dealer and hand over a large amount of cash.

Advanced Service: Open the bonnet. Decide all that stuff is far too scary. Proceed with routine service (see above).
 
#2
Superb John! :)
However I have just obtained the encyclopaedic Rover factory manual...and so will have no further use for our beloved :roll: Haynes apology.
 

ewokracing

Active Member
#3
Ah the Haynes and Gregorys books of lies.

"to assemble, simply reverse disassembly procedure".

Many a time I remember screaming a few words and throwing the manuals out of the garage and across the street along with a few tools. :lol:

The haynes manual for a Suzuki GS250 was one of the worst ones.


Thank god for the internet, smart phones and water proof tablets that you can take photos and make your own notes with :)
 

GRTV8

Well-Known Member
#4
ewokracing said:
Ah the Haynes and Gregorys books of lies.

"to assemble, simply reverse disassembly procedure".

Many a time I remember screaming a few words and throwing the manuals out of the garage and across the street along with a few tools. :lol:

The haynes manual for a Suzuki GS250 was one of the worst ones.


Thank god for the internet, smart phones and water proof tablets that you can take photos and make your own notes with :)
In my case - chuck the Haynes and talk to the hand
The "Forum" has replaced Mr Haynes .
 
#5
the haynes manual i have for the midget is terrible, its as if they just decided to forget about the 1500cc engine and instead of taking important pictures of any processes just wildly snapped the camera in the direction of the car. i guess its the same with most unpopular varients of car, the mini manual doesnt include much about the estate varients, infact its weird how the more upto date haynes manual is about half the thickness of the old one yet includes many more models, the detail clearly drops! :mrgreen:
 

quattro

Well-Known Member
#6
I have had some bad times when reading those things, but back in the 80's there was no internet, no computers, no digital cameras, so it was all we had :shock:

I do remember the Rover 2000 manual having a diagram of the SC engine with two carbs and the TC one with only one :?

When I rebuilt my LT77 a while ago, I used a HBOL for an SD1 for reference. I was going to remove the bearing race inside the end of the first motion shaft, and hoped the manual would tell me how to do it. It said something like, "Replace bearing is necessary" - nothing else :|

I must say though, they were better then nothing.

Richard
 

harveyp6

Well-Known Member
#7
quattro said:
I do remember the Rover 2000 manual having a diagram of the SC engine with two carbs and the TC one with only one :?
The V8 Haynes shows a pic of the 3500S reverse light switch just so you know what you're looking for...........Except they printed the pic upsidedown....
 
Top